“I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
Months ago, I was once told by a person of interest that she simply couldn’t go forward with dating anymore in general because she had gotten word from one of her dearest friends that her significant other of over 20 plus years had died from natural causes…
To put me down easy; she simply said that she had grown afraid of attachment and would rather face life alone at that point.
And at that moment, I understood as it had reinforced my beliefs that I was better off alone…
The dating game now, especially the older we get has grown into a more myopic social construct.
As I get older, I’ve seen myself growing more and more mortal by the day. Surely ageism is mostly in the mind rather than the physical but indeed the physical can dictate what’s going on in your mind.
Your body betrays you,
Your mind that was once a haven of unlimited possibilities, has now become insubstantial because of one’s limitations.
I mean, myself personally had garnered relationships to various degrees including intimate ones, but I just could not bring myself to being completely vulnerable because I had experienced many heartaches attached to my previous relationships…
I was afraid of being happy…
I had feared of growing too attached, because I know that it would end abruptly, and I didn’t want to go through that painful process again.
In the meantime, I’ve put them through the ringer although it was never their intentions to hurt me in anyway, but the truth is, it was never meant to start that way.
In time, it all ends… this had created more problems than anything. It wasn’t their fault but mine, yet they felt betrayed in the end.
My one liner, in order to justify my actions, was that I’d say to them, “I am not at capacity to meet their expectations, therefore I am not ready to commit.”
I wasn’t lying at the time.
Sometimes I get called on bullshit saying that I just wanted my cake and eat it too.
In other words, I have justified my falling short on their expectations.
So, I gave up dating all together.
People I used to care about, just avoid things all together or didn’t realize they were self sabotaging, it had gotten to a point that I had to reach within myself and made the difficult decisions to end the relationship, in order to avoid being hurt myself.
“I promise that you’ll feel safe with me.”,
Or
“I would never leave you even if you want me too.” Would just repulse me altogether…
I had wiped the slate clean on the expense of their feelings to concentrate on me. I stopped dating altogether with the intention of never getting attached.
I mean how else am I supposed to heal if I didn’t really look internally to see exactly what I really want out of life.
Not to sound cruel, but I have observed in my 50 years here, I have noticed that once I know what I want, I’ll just know…
But at the same time, it wasn’t always the case, there’s exemptions to the rules.
And so, as a result, I grew to be very particular as to who I could trust.
It wasn’t easy…
I’ve heard of a phrase “you are open to put your love into someone and it’s their responsibility to never violate that trust.”- to me it sounded like codependency.
Ultimately, I’ve made a self revelation that I must cultivate secure attachment to myself. And if I ran into someone that has that same outlook and energy, the relationship becomes more of a partnership than anything, and that is a wonderful thing.
Someone that adds to the same goals as you and is aware of the challenges of maintaining a relationship can be potentially rewarding.
I personally enjoy being alone; it’s just a matter of encountering people that you wouldn’t mind spending time with.
People can’t live in fear of being hurt again, let them be…
People in a rush to be in a relationship, just for the sake of being in a relationship. Just let them be…
People being involved with multiple superficial relationships to find pleasures to find out who they really are, just…let them be.
I personally am in no position to judge nor to say who is right or who is wrong. Life is how you want to live it. That’s the beauty of autonomy.
That’s why it’s important to be as transparent as much as possible. Eh… I could be wrong. My experiences are not like anyone else’s.
To protect myself, I must feel secure with myself. And if someone makes me question my self worth, I’d lose interest and keep them at a distance or even let them go.
I’m fortunate to be dating someone right now. We both have a mutual understanding on dating and relationships as well.
We both can see on how our current dynamic could be very well played in the future. Just don’t overthink it.
Enjoy the now.
Don’t feel afraid to say anything that’s on your mind.
Have no fear on being judged, and you’ll be fine.
Serein Evergreen 